I love animals and I really love Sir David Attenborough’s wildlife documentaries. Who doesn’t?
But I need to tell everyone the truth and stop this nonsense going on for any longer. Last night while watching the latest episode of Life Story, I had a moment of realisation: Some of these animals he’s showing us aren’t real. He’s just made them up. They don’t exist.
Before getting all “how dare you slag off the eighth wonder of the world which is Sir David Attenborough” on me – just hear me out.
Sir David manages to “film animals that have never been filmed before” then broadcasts them on television and we believe they exist, because he told us they do. After producing over 77 series of wildlife films (that I have counted) he has to have some way of keeping the number of viewers up to convince the BBC to send him to all corners of the planet on holiday. He must have run out of animals to film years ago, so now just dreams them up. We will never find out because all these animals just so happen to be in the depths of the impenetrable Amazon, unreachable at the top of the highest mountains in the Himalayas and in the uninhabitable centre of the Sahara Desert. Coincidence? No, it’s a conspiracy.
I know this sounds radical, but take a close look at these ‘animals’ that Sir David has, until now, managed to convince millions of people around the world that they are real things.
These stupid looking birds apparently stand up to 1.5 metre high and live in marshes and swamps in Africa. This bird couldn’t possibly survive with that ridiculous beak. It would be so top heavy it would fall over. I think Sir David is trying to pull a fast one here.
My sister told me that these are made-up (true story). I mean, can you imagine having a tooth that long sticking out of your gob. Why the hell would an animal even need such a stupid implement? Conveniently, they live in the Artic so Attenborough thinks we can’t get there to not find one and prove they do not exist.
Clearly Attenborough was watching Pokémon when he dreamed up this one.
Eastern Long-Necked Turtle
A turtle and a snake photoshopped together. You don’t fool us David.
Superb Bird of Paradise
Hidden in the forest depths of
No Sir, that’s a leaf. Do you really think we are that stupid?
You can recreate this trick at home. Just get a woodlouse and put it in the hand of a Barbie doll.
I hope, like me, you can find it in yourselves to forgive our beloved David for this deception that has been going on for several years, and understand he is only doing it to entertain his loyal viewers and to keep up the viewer ratings for the BBC.